As you well know, Dandytown is a fourth-world totalitarian nightmare state, and thus very little reliable information can be gleaned about them. Nevertheless, there is some information that the OIA has made public, so that the good people of Oreoville can be fully and faithfully informed about the realities of the situation.

Dandytown is an abomination upon the very concepts of life and liberty. Its most distinguishing feature is the imperfect, semi-circular wall which surrounds it. Blood Cult leader Dandycorn claims that this wall is being built to “protect” Dandytown from the “imperialist machinations of the decadent west”. The sad truth is that this wall is being built to keep his mindless thralls caged within Dandytown.

This is a sad realization when you think about it. And if we as Oreovillians are ever to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and respect ourselves, we must listen to the better angels of our nature and liberate the tortured souls of Dandytown. Peace for all can only be gained through immediate and decisive war. The desperate and starving masses of Dandytown are depending on our courage and our initiative to free them.

In the end, these facts beg a simple but fundamental question: Are you for freedom, or are you against it? Will you spread freedom, or greedily hoard it? If you do not wish to free the huddled serfs of Dandytown from their cruel and vile slavedrivers, then you are not a true citizen of Oreoville (and may no longer be protected by our generous human rights legislation in the future).

First off, the premise of this question is downright ludicrous. Nevertheless, Oreoville is a land of freedom, and you have the right to question things (within reason).

Vox News journalists were the first on the scene on that horrific day, and we actually asked Kroosaydur about the lighter pictured in his hand. It was a family heirloom; the only thing he had time to save before the Blood Cult’s attack forced him from his very home. He risked life and limb to save that lighter, and for weak-minded collaborators to try and use that against him and against Oreoville is downright disgusting. But not at all surprising, given the lengths these evildoers will go to in order to sow death and destruction.

That aside, thank you for your question. It has been passed along to the OIA for investigation, pending extraordinary rendition protocols.

Thank you for your question, dear reader. I am glad that your question was clear in its desire for a positive answer regarding Oreoville, since asking questions that could lead to negative thoughts is clearly unpatriotic, and a lack of patriotism is tantamount to revolutionary agitation. So kudos on bring on the side of the good guys and seeking more information on our beloved homeland.

Oreoville is greater than Dandytown mainly because we believe in 3 things that Dandytown doesn’t:

1. Democracy
2. Capitalism
3. Not torturing (the undeserving)

Oreovillians are always in charge of their own destiny. However, when their destinies would be better shaped by following the suggestions of our government, then we should all rejoice for having their guidance. Though our leaders can be sadly imperfect (such as King Oreo’s decision not to order an immediate invasion and occupation of Dandytown after 9/1), we still owe them our loyalty, lest we fall into Dandytown-like chaos.

Also, though our leader Oreo has styled himself King, we are a freedom-loving democracy, and he was given his power due to the results of a perfectly legitimate election that involved the appropriate people. Sadly, an election including each and every Oreoville citizen is impossible at this time, due to the threat of interference by the terrorists of Dandytown. If they can cause destruction and plant blasphemous symbols within our territory on a whim, surely they could also plant rigged ballots in our voting places as well. It is for that reason that we cannot allow everyone in Oreoville to vote at the moment. If you wish for a free vote amongst the whole populace, your best course of action is to support a declaration of total war upon Dandytown, so that we might destroy the one thing keeping us from achieving a more perfect republic.

As for capitalism, it is a cornerstone of our success. PNOC (Project for the New Oreoville Century), a private think tank funded by the Church of Trollentology, as well as the OIA (Oreoville Intelligence Agency), both believe that the Dandytown economy is centered entirely around unwieldy slave-built projects that serve no purpose but to aggrandize the ego of Blood Cult leader Dandycorn (alongside their weapons programs, which are obviously ongoing). Meanwhile in Oreoville, public and private projects serve the entire community, and allow individuals to rise up by their bootstraps into a better life. A good example of his is Kirbagorn of Trollshire, whose ambition and helpfulness led him from being a pariah with a plot of dirt into a Lord who owns one of the most well-known properties in Oreoville. This is a land of opportunity, and any who deny it are either too lazy to make something of themselves or are obviously trying to cause internal dissent for their true masters, the Blood Cultists.

As for torture, it is a common practice in Dandytown, for perverse recreation more than anything. Is torture allowed in Oreoville? That is classified information. But suffice it to say, funds have been allocated to build a detainment facility for captured terrorists known as Kirbtanamo Bay. Where is it? What is it like? If you ever learn the answers to these questions, you are a terrorist, and you’re in for a rough time. That is all that need be said.

Though very little credence can usually be given to the baseless mouth-breathing of the terrorist leader Dandycorn, he made his intentions crystal clear in a speech he gave earlier today to his brainwashed slaves.

“We will rally our forces and bring darkness to Oreoville.” This statement serves to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt the danger that Dandytown presents to all freedom-loving people. In recent days, Dandytown has proven to be capable of both cowardly terrorist attacks and boisterous sabre-rattling. Threats such as this must be dealt with as soon as possible. Some portions of Oreoville’s nobility, such as the courageous defender of freedom Regional Lord Kirbagorn, are heroically pressing for direct action to be taken. Sadly, King Oreo himself seems to prefer sticking his head in the sand and shutting down servers.

“The Kingdom of Oreoville believes in preemptive strikes.” With this statement, Dandycorn is attempting to give credibility to the disgusting and treasonous conspiracy theories that have gained prominence among tinfoil hat enthusiasts since the horrors of 9/1. With meaningless phrases such as “false flag op” being thrown around, it is important for loyal citizens to prove their love of freedom by immediately reporting disloyal opinions to the appropriate authorities. Be wary. Be watchful.

“Can I get a stack of TNT?” This gem speaks for itself.

While it can be easy to fall into negativity during such trying times as these, it is important to stay positive and work hard for a better tomorrow. Freedom is on our side. We are the good guys. We must keep heart. Kroosaydur, one of the primary 9/1 victims, has proven his heart by building the KTC tower higher and grander than before. This is a testament to the amazing resiliency of democracy and capitalism.

Economic advancement is also a priority within Oreoville, as we would rather see our people prosper, as opposed to throwing them into lava (a noted hobby of the Dandytown Blood Cult). A good example of this is the recently completed Liberty Waterfront, seen above. When contruction began on stately Trollington Manor and the nearby Shrine of Trollentology, the one bridge connecting them to the mainland was shoddy, dark, and dangerous. This is no longer the case, as two wide and well-lit cobblestone bridges now serve to strengthen economic ties and encourage tourism. With progress being the name of the game all across Oreoville, you can expect to see more success stories here soon.

Loyal citizens of Oreoville, your nation is under attack. You are at war, whether your simpering “leaders” admit it or not. Let us share with you the true story of today’s two horrific terrorist attacks on our families and on our freedom.

The first attack occurred in the morning, as the Kroosaydur Trade Center was set on fire by unknown assailants. Though some mistakenly assumed that the blaze was accidental, all real and loyal Oreoville citizens know the truth: terrorists have struck.

Sadly, that was not the end.

Later in the day, venerable country estate Trollington Manor, home of beloved Regional Lord Kirbagorn, was hit by mysterious assailants. They left a calling card: a torch surrounded by blood. The meaning was obvious to all but the most ignorant and intellectually hopeless: Dandytown’s Blood Cult was undeniably responsible. Only a traitor would suggest otherwise. In the background you can see the 9/1 Memorial, visible through the once-peaceful home’s shattered windows.

Of course, King Oreo was on scene in a hurry. Nobody loves a photo op like His Majesty. While the screams and cries of dying innocents drowned out all else, and the scent of blood wafted through the air, King Oreo made sure that he looked good for the cameras.

All fair-minded citizens of Oreoville know that freedom isn’t free. A loyal citizen would never believe that peace with terrorists is possible. Dandytown is a vile and vicious den of heathens, ruled by a religion of hatred, bent on world domination. Just because your weak and shallow politicians don’t have the stomach to face reality doesn’t mean you can’t.

Demand war now! It is our only hope for peace.

* This story was written with the generous fact-checking assistance of the Oreoville Defense Contractors Association and the Project for the New Oreoville Century *