Loyal citizens of Oreoville, your nation is under attack. You are at war, whether your simpering “leaders” admit it or not. Let us share with you the true story of today’s two horrific terrorist attacks on our families and on our freedom.

The first attack occurred in the morning, as the Kroosaydur Trade Center was set on fire by unknown assailants. Though some mistakenly assumed that the blaze was accidental, all real and loyal Oreoville citizens know the truth: terrorists have struck.

Sadly, that was not the end.

Later in the day, venerable country estate Trollington Manor, home of beloved Regional Lord Kirbagorn, was hit by mysterious assailants. They left a calling card: a torch surrounded by blood. The meaning was obvious to all but the most ignorant and intellectually hopeless: Dandytown’s Blood Cult was undeniably responsible. Only a traitor would suggest otherwise. In the background you can see the 9/1 Memorial, visible through the once-peaceful home’s shattered windows.

Of course, King Oreo was on scene in a hurry. Nobody loves a photo op like His Majesty. While the screams and cries of dying innocents drowned out all else, and the scent of blood wafted through the air, King Oreo made sure that he looked good for the cameras.

All fair-minded citizens of Oreoville know that freedom isn’t free. A loyal citizen would never believe that peace with terrorists is possible. Dandytown is a vile and vicious den of heathens, ruled by a religion of hatred, bent on world domination. Just because your weak and shallow politicians don’t have the stomach to face reality doesn’t mean you can’t.

Demand war now! It is our only hope for peace.

* This story was written with the generous fact-checking assistance of the Oreoville Defense Contractors Association and the Project for the New Oreoville Century *